Thanks V.
New Company Policies
Memo To: All Employees
Subject: New Policies
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is
enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Your Own Death:
This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at
least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your
replacement.
Rest Room Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in
the future all employees will follow the practice of going in
alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will
go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from
8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In
extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with another
co-worker. However, both employee supervisors must approve this exchange
in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in
the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Paycheck Guide:
The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better
understand their paychecks.
Example: Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax 244.40
Outcome tax 45.21
State tax 11.61
Interstate tax 61.10
County tax 6.11
City tax 12.22
Rural tax 4.44
Back tax 1.11
Front tax 1.16
Side tax 1.61
Up tax 2.22
Tic-tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet tacks .98
Stadium tax .69
Flat tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Corporate tax 2.60
Parking fee 5.00
FICA 81.88
TGIF fund 9.95
Life insurance 5.85
Health insurance 16.23
Dental insurance 4.50
Mental insurance 4.33
Rearseurance .11
Disability 2.50
Ability .25
Liability 3.41
Unreliability 10.99
Coffee 6.85
Coffee cups 66.51
Floor rental 6.85
Chair rental .32
Desk rental 4.32
Union dues 5.85
Union don'ts 3.77
Cash advance .69
Cash retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern time 9.00
Central time 8.00
Mountain time 7.00
Pacific time 6.00
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Cool air 26.83
Hot air 20.00
Miscellaneous 113.29
Various 8.01
Net Pay $0.12
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.
All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
comtemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week
Human Resources
